Relentless Expectations…

I was going to write yesterday but I could muster up the strength, both mentally and physically. Yesterday I had an exam that I went in prepared for, yet left in tears. After looking down at the nytol in my hand I had taken for the 7th night in a row, it got me thinking about these reactions I have. Why does my heart jump in my throat and leave me speechless because of an thing such as a shitty exam? Why am I left sleepless and in tears because I ‘might not’ get a placement?

I’ve ruled it down to the ‘expectations’ I hold myself to, the apparently ‘such high’ ones that I’m told so much about. Thats the thing though, to me this is the normal, and I know it may sound selfish but I disregard others at this point. This is my battle. And anything below this standard is failure. Again, this i’m aware, is common black and white thinking. But yet although I am aware, and I can evaluate it…I can’t stop it. This outlook is all I’ve ever known, no matter how hard I try and want to cut this burden of pressure that is constantly on my shoulders, I cant break free. Usually there is an enviromental cause of such thinking, that being upbringing with pressure from parents, competition with siblings etc, but with me personally…nothing, it was me. I’ve thrown myself into this pit of such disregard, that I still punish myself after supposedly doing so well. Even then I refer to said successess as ‘supposedly’. I’m never satisfied with my work, especially at the moment. And to live like this is demoralising.

Prehaps living with this outlook wouldn’t be so bad if my mood was significantly elevated when I achieved something, yet no matter how big the achievement is, my mood will be lifted for a ridiculously small amount of time before it is swept away by thoughts of self doubt and the next ‘achievement’. I don’t even think it’s pride I feel when I achieve something….it feels more like relief. Although these tiny highs are sometimes present, I so often feel the jaws of rabid frustration tearing at my neck that it feels hard to breathe sometimes. Nothing is ever good enough, I ALWAYS want more.

It has been advised many a time to look for small goals and achievements, however my head appears to have a somewhat tunnel vision like perspective meaning I can only see great differences, only great achievements. This itself is possibly where the black and white thinking comes from. The problem arises from the fact that it takes an enormous amount of work and even more time to reach goals of my own satisfactory level. Now don’t get me wrong, reaching high and being ambitious is great, it’s just during the journey I am constantly grinding against myself, there is no relief. Like I said in a previous post I feel reassurance of my abilities from others as much as I wish I didn’t. I am blind to my potential, and my head is filled with the tormenting whispers of insecurities and hopelessness and that leaves no room for self praise. I find any hope my conscious withers up is plagued by uncertainty, and although this sometimes unbearable overthinking leads to good results, I sometimes begin to question whether it’s worth it since I am rarely content. But yet, even though I’m often oblivious to it, I have this ruthless drive that will not let me stop, its dragged me through…well everything so far good and bad. And frankly i’m it’s bitch.

I had a thought that I would try to end every post on a positive, so finishing on the topic of this ‘drive’ of mine, as much as my head is often infested with screams of plead for relief that materialize through very dark thoughts. I am thankful for this bittersweet assault of ambition that I still don’t know the origins of. It has got me to where I am today, still fighting, still working and still living. And for that alone I think I deserve just a lil nudge of self credit.

Till next time, have a lovely night everyone – C

 

New Beginnings…

I’ve always been uncomfortable with the thought of writing down what goes through my head, it’s always made me feel so vulnerable even if anonymous. Along with the dissociation I feel after I write them, that being said I’ve accepted that this is just a fraction of what a mental illness inflicts. Either way after yesterday I promised myself I would at least try….

So yesterday I broke down in tears at work….This time I just couldnt hold it back and it finally got the better of me, luckily I was alone and had time to put together enough front to disguise myself as a functioning person. Although prehaps being alone is what caused it in the first place.

Like many suffering with whatever clouds their head, I keep myself distracted because when left to wander my mind likes to drag me down the path of self termoil and abuse but cleverly disguises it as heart break. Why I broke down yesterday? I saw people enjoing themselves with partners and friends dancing….thats it. But looking deeper into it, I didn’t just think that. My head bombarded me with reminders and questions such as ‘why wasn’t I treated like that?’, ‘Why was he never proud to take me anywhere or do anything with me?’, ‘Why did he never enjoy well..just time with me?’ Now as I’m aware these are very common thoughts of anyone who has been hurt, and I’m aware of the naivety that shrouds these that is often reminded to us through unintentional yet  slightly condensending comments of those trying to help, it’s hard not to be to anyone witnessing I can imagine, I appreciate them all the same.

But this is where it gets more complex. The questions we ask ourselves are just the tip of a very ugly iceberg. This is where my mind decides it’s time for another downward spiral.

Immediately after the intital thoughts I turn and look straight down the barrel of the self loathing gun that has bollocks for ammunition. I think to myself how much I hate the fact that I’m not happy with myself, how I hate everything about me, how worthless I am or as much as I’m embarrassed to say it, how much I hate being alone. And this is why I broke down. The term alone is used loosely, whenever you mention feeling alone, everyone jumps straight to ‘you have family, friends who love you?’. Im aware that I am very lucky and yes I do have a lot of friends (surprisingly) who I wouldn’t trade for the world and a protective family. So what is this constant unbearable ache in my chest that accompanies me for the majority of every…..single..day.

Naturally being single comes to mind, as it is reminded to me so frequently through friends in relationships, family in relationships….even the 2 birds outside my window. (Piss off with your happiness *hisses*). And although I know I have a hella lotta love to give and I’d love someone to come along and share things with. I feel this empty feeling is something more. It’s a feeling of hopelessness that I associate with being ‘high functioning’ with a mental illness.

When I say ‘high functioning’ I mean it in the sense  that I myself feel I shouldn’t be unhappy, (no one ever chooses to feel this way, I put it down to brain chemistry for now.) Due to the life I have, loads of friends, job, education, grades etc etc. The feeling of hopeless rears its head when I think of this life that I have yet I’m STILL unhappy and still get suicidal, it’s the contradictory thought to ‘it will get better’ which people suffering with anything likewise hear so often. It is often thought that if you award/praise yourself that these feelings will become less and less. Yet I have never been capable of this attitude, it has never felt genuine to me, and probably the reason why I didn’t get on with CBT, I so so so wish I could, I wish I could be proud of myself. Yet as much as I am ashamed to say it I only ever feel better about myself or genuinely believe it when hearing it from others.

How shallow and/or pathetic does that sound? Now luckily i’m at a point today where i’m aware of that thought, and I mean that i’m aware of the fact that it is a stupid thought or a gift from the metaphorical demon of self hatred I am chained to, to illustrate in a way. So it is a lot easier for me to rid of. The problem is i’m not at this lighter point often at all…but i’m trying to be.

I think I’ve spewed enough today, so thought i’d ought to conclude on my of a positive focus. Yet i’m immediately i’m thinking of others here (whether anyone will read it or not) rather than myself. Prehaps a problem in itself, theres only so much I can give, but instead of going around in a circle i’m going to leave it down to me being considerate or thoughtful of others, something I actually like about myself.

Till next time, have a lovely day – C.