I was going to write yesterday but I could muster up the strength, both mentally and physically. Yesterday I had an exam that I went in prepared for, yet left in tears. After looking down at the nytol in my hand I had taken for the 7th night in a row, it got me thinking about these reactions I have. Why does my heart jump in my throat and leave me speechless because of an thing such as a shitty exam? Why am I left sleepless and in tears because I ‘might not’ get a placement?
I’ve ruled it down to the ‘expectations’ I hold myself to, the apparently ‘such high’ ones that I’m told so much about. Thats the thing though, to me this is the normal, and I know it may sound selfish but I disregard others at this point. This is my battle. And anything below this standard is failure. Again, this i’m aware, is common black and white thinking. But yet although I am aware, and I can evaluate it…I can’t stop it. This outlook is all I’ve ever known, no matter how hard I try and want to cut this burden of pressure that is constantly on my shoulders, I cant break free. Usually there is an enviromental cause of such thinking, that being upbringing with pressure from parents, competition with siblings etc, but with me personally…nothing, it was me. I’ve thrown myself into this pit of such disregard, that I still punish myself after supposedly doing so well. Even then I refer to said successess as ‘supposedly’. I’m never satisfied with my work, especially at the moment. And to live like this is demoralising.
Prehaps living with this outlook wouldn’t be so bad if my mood was significantly elevated when I achieved something, yet no matter how big the achievement is, my mood will be lifted for a ridiculously small amount of time before it is swept away by thoughts of self doubt and the next ‘achievement’. I don’t even think it’s pride I feel when I achieve something….it feels more like relief. Although these tiny highs are sometimes present, I so often feel the jaws of rabid frustration tearing at my neck that it feels hard to breathe sometimes. Nothing is ever good enough, I ALWAYS want more.
It has been advised many a time to look for small goals and achievements, however my head appears to have a somewhat tunnel vision like perspective meaning I can only see great differences, only great achievements. This itself is possibly where the black and white thinking comes from. The problem arises from the fact that it takes an enormous amount of work and even more time to reach goals of my own satisfactory level. Now don’t get me wrong, reaching high and being ambitious is great, it’s just during the journey I am constantly grinding against myself, there is no relief. Like I said in a previous post I feel reassurance of my abilities from others as much as I wish I didn’t. I am blind to my potential, and my head is filled with the tormenting whispers of insecurities and hopelessness and that leaves no room for self praise. I find any hope my conscious withers up is plagued by uncertainty, and although this sometimes unbearable overthinking leads to good results, I sometimes begin to question whether it’s worth it since I am rarely content. But yet, even though I’m often oblivious to it, I have this ruthless drive that will not let me stop, its dragged me through…well everything so far good and bad. And frankly i’m it’s bitch.
I had a thought that I would try to end every post on a positive, so finishing on the topic of this ‘drive’ of mine, as much as my head is often infested with screams of plead for relief that materialize through very dark thoughts. I am thankful for this bittersweet assault of ambition that I still don’t know the origins of. It has got me to where I am today, still fighting, still working and still living. And for that alone I think I deserve just a lil nudge of self credit.
Till next time, have a lovely night everyone – C